Ultra Black: September 2018

God damned fucking strange complications!
I fucking Hate falling in love. It's so fucking tedious! Especially for an Aries woman, it's the fucking worst thing ever. Especially love at first 'sight'. Then you're stuck with this goddamned flame burning through you, causing so much pain, like wracking you twisted.... Like a snake wrapped around a tree and squeezing the heck out of it, and you can't think, apply yourself, focus to do anything of value. Your time is wasted by struggling with this intruder, this love bug, that zaps all your energy, puts you in bed or on the couch moaning and flipping and flopping around while that thing, that love bug burns away threatening to burn you right up out of this planet. You know? So I was wondering how to deal with this. I mean, I just fucking extracted myself from one man, thankfully unscathed, and then three days later, right after my firm resolve to leave that one behind, another one pops up out of the dark, and freaks me right out! Like he was waiting in the shadows so that if I left the last one, HE would pounce on me. Not that he did. It's this thing inside him, this love thing, this maniac of fire that once it catches you, all you can do is to endure it, until you can figure out a way to get clean from it, and return your focus to the more important aspects of life, such as getting ascended on out of this effing place! Ha! Damn. It's so challenging. Yea, so I asked my spirit helper/ helpers what could I do. And I was told "bite the bullet." It's the best advice. I've done it all my life when encountering this type of situation. Most of all, it didn't work, but it worked long enough for me when I did use it, to get my senses back and functioning, so I could figure out a way to escape the hell, or the heaven that was before me. It's the only way to stay balanced so that one can focus their mind where the most benefit is. For, if I allowed myself to stay, even in that heavenly realm with a one who I fall in love with...would it earn me my wings? to fly on out of here? No. I doubt that very much. Goddamned ascension is the most difficult thing to get a hold of in anyone's life. Jesus was fucking right about that one. HELLISH.

Ok. Now that I've had my rant. Back to work, biting the bullet. At least I can now function again.

It's interesting how one's weakest points can become strong points after a while. But it takes magnificent amounts of effort and strength to get them there. Oh my!

You know? I think I've figured it out. It's because I haven't got my alchemical marriage yet. So there is no partner inside me, and that's why I keep attracting outside of myself, as in a similar male, who would stick and glue to my energy and therefore it would attract us to get a relationship going. But what I need to do right now, is to find my male self, or is that my Female self? because holy fuck, I've already got my male self, this little middle self, the ego, which is the functioner at this point...because a long time ago, when I was about 18 years old, my female self, which is HUGE, and BLACK, and fucking awesome as hell, but terrifyingly dominant, threatening to destroy my entire human structure...She came out and, well, she's very materialistic-like. She has no real sense for spiritual things, not! I mean, she knows all about spiritual things, and so she was on her way to bulldoze the place and get herself a large dark castle from which to work her mighty magic. But I, the little ball of light, the male self (even though I'm a female), noticed that she was pushing me out of the way and totally dominating me. I started to fight back and the next thing you know we, me the ego, and my fiend female self the inner structure, were constantly at each other arguing about things. That is when one of our Other! Higher Self than her or me, came into the picture, as though a hole opened up from Heaven and She came out scolding us for arguing with each other, and she told us to Stop! and to work together. We were both so shocked, because we didn't know there was another self that was part of this structure, we thought it was only us two, and so we both stood there listening to her talk to us, and then watch as she left, went back up into the Heavens and we could hear her involved with many other of the same type of Higher selves, and they were involved in intense learning over there from what I figured of what I heard. So when she disappeared, us two started to blend together. Instantly we stopped arguing, and just began to fade into one another. After about a few years, three or four, it was hard to even tell that there ever was two of us. So I was thinking that maybe this is the marriage that I need to make. So maybe I need to split from Her, and become two separate beings again, and then combine in a marriage way, a different way than we had been all these years. Hm. Something to think about.

Strangely, for some reason, as I scroll slowly down the page, it looks like fabric, black satin in perpendicular waves all down the page. Just a hint of it, you know? Hm. I wonder what that means.

Thursday September 13, 7:58pm

Oh fucking crapola. Holy fucking smithereans. Oh, AH. Wellwellwell. What the fuck. Who the hell IS that man? What is this situation? What the fuck? Goddamnit. Domini. Holy Fuck. Hey...let's express ourself! Better than words.