I feel like drinking alcohol just to blast my mind away, but I can't because I need to get some work done. Sewing takes great focus and concentration, let alone patience and perseverance. And so. But, the other night, it was great.
It was Friday night. I got so drunk and I smoked some pot, and no one can tell that I am drunk or stoned, because I'm so fucking brilliant with my actions around people. I'm the friendliest girl you'll ever meet. Yea, I was out buying boots on that night, after I had smoked some pot and had a drink. I wasn't drunk just yet because I only started. I was so frustrated that evening because all day I had spent working on some sewing project which was really frustrating, I stabbed myself in the finger once. Maaaan, it was a real toughy. So I just threw everything down on the table after it was late enough, and made myself a drink, smoked a couple puffs, and then switched into my different personality, which is the result of my very delicate nature which is so sensitive to things like that.
And then my of ten years, lover came over and the first thing he was, was intimidated by me, because now I was moving like a fucking hurricane. Everything I did was so fast. He was, as usual, slow, gentle, relaxed, moving towards the fridge to find the vodka, and when he couldn't find it asked me where it was.
I had earlier been through the freezer looking for some herb which I store the bulk of there, and I moved things about so the vodka was hid. Then I flew/swam, hurricaned past him, and he moved right out of my way to stand where he was safe. So I pulled it out of the freezer and whipped out two glasses, made some drinks, without wasting a seconds time on anything trivial, all the motions were absolutely perfectly focused on the necessity of the moment. And so I sat down, and spoke some friendly words because I didn't want to spook him...and he relaxed.
Though I knew him for ten years, he still doesn't know me very well. It's because I hide almost everything. I know what most people are made of...fear...fear of knowing themselves, fear of this fear of that...and would perchance they see someone else's real self they become frightened since they are such a stranger to themselves they don't recognize someone who is being their normal self, which makes them wonder, what kind of stranger they thought they really knew haha all these years.
When you take the time to get to know yourself, then I am not a stranger to you anymore.
But I have such a fast way of making someone forget what they had just seen, so the memory doesn't linger. I take over their mind to focus it on the light things, the things that they love...that they can handle.
You know, I've been so frustrated lately. I must discover exactly why. What has been going on here? You see, it takes work to know thyself. You can't just wonder and then drop the answer on any ole thing you think. I mean, I really have to look inside to find what it is that is making me to behave this way. So Doc. Truly, you have been hellping me. I'm coming out and looking in... I see, love is everywhere. Oh seriously. I'm having fun. It is much more complicated than that.
Oh my God you should see my dreams. They are fucking Wicked! Just last night, I bit a black and white cats neck almost in half, killed it instantly, and then the lady who owned the cat who was going to blow me away through her kitchen window, I blew her away instead. I have been having supremely wicked dreams lately...and I must admit to you...I love it.
Alright, so I'll tell you this dream anyway. I was with about three men/guys. There was something that we were looking to catch. It was slippery and floated in the wind. I forget what it was. They were counting on me to catch it. It was an unusual composition.
We ended up in the front of someone's home where there was a tall green bush fence all round with the opening in front of the lawn down the sidewalk to the front of the house. We moved in from the right side looking at the picture, moving after that creature which had now settled on the lawn at that place. The damned thing was sitting there and as I went to go pick it up, it floated up and into a little pool of water in front of the house just before the porch in front of the window.
As I was going to take it, and it didn't move now, this mean looking, yet very pretty cat, which I knew had the siamese streak in it, but it was a regular black and white house cat, the owner must have trained its natural tendencies to kill, worse than a dog, it saw me from the window in the porch, and it walked through right at me then it bit my hand and held fast.
The thing is, the lady who was at the table in the window eating and looking with a smile on her face as the cat was biting me, I was motioning her to tell the thing to get off of me, and she kept smiling and slowly moving her head saying "no." I rolled my eyes in my head and looked at the guys wondering what I should do with this damn cat. Then in an instant I had my idea. I bit its neck fast and the thing almost broke in two. Instantly dead.
Then the lady who was sitting there looked startled, got up quickly grabbed a shot gun and then stood there aiming at me. The guys had said let's get out of here. But by now, I was changed. I was a different personality. I stood there still as her target knowing what would happen because I was making it happen. The lady shot at me and blew her head off. I had mind over matter made the gun to blow off backwards, into her own self. Then I smiled, turned away and walked toward the guys. We all headed out of that place with me saying, yea, let's get the fuck out of here before anyone comes.
Then I woke up. It felt great. That was undeserved. Just because we were on the property, doesn't mean we were doing anything wrong. So she could have motioned the cat with her command, to get off me. But she was delighting in the scene. And I was disgusted with her. Let alone the cat.
Anyway, those type of dreams have I been having. I think what's happening in there is that everything they send me to hurt me, I send it right back. It bit me, I send it a bite back... tripled. She takes a shot at me, she gets shot...tripled.
Well. Back to work.
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