Would you to give up on yourself, then who could help you? Or, when the light within you is all blackness then what have you left within? A complete criminal with a short existence. There is no fight there. Lack of balance. Easily expendable. Same with the opposite would that be here on this Earth, it could not stay for a very long time. That is what I have learned thus far. Hence "stay on the straight road" saying.
And so we must to know ourselves to find out what our shadow is and to resolve the difficulty completely, in order to have a harmonious life. Yesterday I found out who my shadow is. It is me, my own self, but without my own self knowing it was I. I had stomped it down, pushed it aside and hid it from dealing with. The light that was in me was thinking I could rid myself of this shadow part of me by hiding it. It didn't work. I had to deal with the unusual and strange things that I found had happened when I came back to being the person I am in daily life. It's like a Dr Jekyll, Mr Hyde type of situation.
I don't know everything, at the same time I am looking to see, still today, what is the cause of this splitting in me. It's a shattering of the being which I must face completely, without judgement, in order to find the truth. In the past few days I've been seeing pictures of my past come to me, in many different parts of my life, some from daily events from childhood, seemingly innocent events, some from adulthood, some from dreams I had, some from visions, and some from the very daily things around me which brought back memories that were not quite clear, but they resembled something, sort of like a deja vu feeling which had happened but without a clear comprehension of it at the time, so that I had to dwell upon the picture, the feeling, until I had seen more pictures come to me which brought sense to the whole. A gentle eureka moment. Only when one is ready will the picture be there, and it will be gentle to some, because it's so terrible, and still, must be dealt with, so in gentility it will come shocking you, at the same time not too much, so that one can continue to work with it to find the truth. That would be my situation. Maybe yours, I don't know. I'm going to describe some of the things I personally have to deal with, just so you can see how difficult it is, and yet, very necessary to have dealt with.
First I must say to you that nothing flows in a literal or lateral way. It does not follow a minute after minute schemato style. Why? Perhaps because the truth is hidden in a part that is most intense, and it is not going to reveal itself so easily to the blind. In my searches I have found that the Spirit is equally through all things, which doesn't give you a clue to anything when you follow a well-beaten trail. It is so complex I find it very difficult to even begin somewhere. So I must ask myself, where is the best place to begin my communications?
And here I will begin. When I was perhaps in my later teenage years, I do not quite remember time scheme, I only remember events as to grave importance. So I begin with this. I wanted to know all parts of myself first. I wanted to know how it worked. I observed my inner mechanisms, thoughts, feelings, dealings, within myself. I found out there were three parts out of the whole, that is out of the one part, who I am. I took who I am, and I saw there were three parts to myself. Just as later in my life when I had read Gurdjieff's teachings, he said the God is like this. There is the "Absolute," the "1." Then there is "All Worlds," the "3." That is where I started and this is what I have found. Gurdjieff wasn't talking about something outside of us only, he was also talking about our very own Self. And this is how our own Self expands into all these other worlds. The next one he said is "All Suns," "6," and the next is "Sun," "12," and so on.
Well this is what I found about my Self. I looked inside and there was a very dominant force. It was apparently from my left side, the side of the Snake, which is a Taurus, in the Oriental astrology. I was born in 1965. And the small positive side was the right side, which is my Aries side, being born April 1st. I saw that the personality of the left large side was that of the Snake. She was positive and negative as well. She had her own personality. And the right side, the Aries had a smaller role, right next to her the larger role, and that Aries as well had a positive and negative side.
I noticed that when the right side grew large, then it was negative, and the left side was small and positive. And likewise, when the left side grew large, she was negative and the right side was positive. So that tells me there is always a balance happening. It was quite an extreme balance back then when I first began observing. First the Aries was large, and it was negative. Then a few years later, when I did deeper soul searching, the left side became large and the right side became small.
That time I noticed they two were arguing with one another, basically fighting with each other. That was when the Snake was large and the Aries was small. She was feminine and he was positive. She was so great and beginning to turn black, and he was small beginning to fade away and was becoming powerless against her. So he was arguing for respect and she was dominating over him. While they were arguing, suddenly in came a force unseen and unknown to them both. That force I will call the Neutral force, the Wisdom, the Mediator. And she was of high knowledge. This being immediately had them to stop arguing and to call a balance where both can exist side by side. I noticed that she was coming from a different place. She was constantly in thought with other worlds/places, working, continuing.
Both left and right immediately listened to her, like she was the Christ principle because she had the knowledge which they together did not have. And being a unity and knowing they exist only with one another, that without the one, the other will no longer exist, they paid reverence to her with their attention and followed through. She disappeared as quick as she had come. It was a surprise, their first meeting of this one called the Mediator. They both were curious about this one being. After she disappeared back into her own world, them two made some kind of rules with each other, that she would allow him some duty and that she would follow his help, and that he would allow her a certain duty and he would follow her in that regard. They didn't see the Mediator for a long time after that. It was the first and I suppose last time they saw her, at the same time, that was enough for the left and right to keep a balance straight through my entire life up to this day, which has been respected. And through all that, other and new balances have formed, where she no longer ruled the roost, and he no longer was left to slave for her. Instead a new being formed within myself, and that is who I am today. A different person altogether. There have been vast experiences in my inner world, as well the outer.
The thing about the shadow is that I was warned I couldn't force it out or ignore it. I had to find out what its purpose in my lifetime is. There were some frightening situations which appeared, and I won't go into depth with it, only to say that yes, she is alive and living right along with the light and gentle side of my human being. And becoming knowledgeable about who I am, I have seen that she works not as an enemy but as a friend. It's up to my serious conscious self to stay aware of who I am at all times in order to understand where the lifeforce is taking me, in what direction it works...and it works toward the divine master plan is what I've seen.
There is much too many experiences to tell of, and so I shall stop now to take care of my other daily life situations, and I will come to this post later to fill in what I wanted to tell of, but find that I have other things which need tending to, as well.
Until later.
Love.
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It's later alright. It's 2:22 am Sunday January 30, 2011. Sunshower
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